Writing about the day to day mysteries of life.
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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Sad, Sad, Sad and More Sad

I have not posted in awhile.  I have not sewn in awhile.  I have not read a new book in awhile.  I have not walked in the park in awhile.  My seasonal funk has become a bout of depression - I think.  I really didn't know how desperately close to my heart I was counting on my vaccine trial being a miracle cure.  I knew rationally that this wouldn't happen, but I figured I would be the one to beat the odds.  The thought of going back on chemo, even the low dose that it is, has been devastating.  I don't usually write cancer stuff on this blog, but on Caringbridge everyone very nicely will tell me things will be okay.  You know what, things are not going to be okay.  I continue to fight a fight that no matter what, I am going to lose.  After I go on chemo again, it is just erosion.  Ned asked me if the bad cells and good cells are really fighting?  I asked if he meant with boxing gloves and he said, "no, swords."  Problem is my good cells have swords, but the bad cells have automatic weapons and rocket launchers.

I got the call today that Sarah had to be put to sleep this afternoon.  She is the same age, same litter as Hoover, but she got cancer.  I still haven't recovered from Riley's death and now Sarah is gone also.  I remember how cute she and Hoover were sleeping together in the baby bouncy seat.  She was the ultimate family dog.  I never met a dog who loved people as much as she did.  She loved everyone and wanted everyone to love her back.  The last few days I was told she only had energy to wag her tail, a sweet girl gone.

Add into this late nights, rotting wood, a cat with a nervous disorder, $4.69 gas, cold rain, weight gain, tired kids, a clogged toilet and it is just a sad time.  "Don't nobody bring me no bad news."


  1. I hear you and know the feeling of depression. There's no cheery "Every things's gonna be all right, rockabye," answer. (Who sings that song? I have no idea, but I like the song.)

    I think my recent outbursts of maniacal anger may actually be some depression. Either that, or my ability to deal with stuff that pisses me off is just historically low right now.

    Would getting together to knit, eat chocolate, and drink secret Diet Cokes help at all? Or going out to eat a fantastic dinner? Would banana pudding raise your spirits? If you want, I could also organize all your friends for karaoke night, or we could chip in to pay for a male escort or a new battery powered super-vibrator? I'm just tossing ideas out here, let me know if something raises a flicker of interest.

  2. Fight the good fight, because who knows what tomorrow brings...
    (The more trite the statement, the more true it is. )
    North Carolina sends love and affection...

  3. Toni, I hope this doesn't sound trite or patronizing, but I really appreciate what you're saying. All those years when my mom was living with cancer, she hardly complained to me at all. She lived a thousand miles away and when I did get to see her or talk to her, she was mostly upbeat. I didn't know much about those sucky depressing days because she kept it from me until later. How I wish I would have known. Not that I could have done anything but listen to her, hug her, just be with her. I believe that sharing one's burdens definitely makes them a bit lighter. Thanks for sharing.